Out Loud

Restyle Your Resolution

2012-01-14T13:44:00.000-08:00

(Photo Compliments of Eddie Vasquez)

From the day you are born, you generate your beginning into existence within the human race. You then proceed to journey into lively hood and establish your story and means for existence, that which, essentially situates the ending of your continuation to exist within the world, ultimately, beyond your control.

As one year closes, and another year opens, those of us who survived 2011, are blessed with an opportunity to live 2012. And those of us who were not as fortunate to outlive 2011, set a precedence... left legacies, stories, memories, thoughts, lessons, and most of all, love for the rest of us to build upon in 2012. So, with the possibilities of opportunity 2012 has to offer, have you thought about what you are going to endeavor this year?

While you are not in control of the impacts that will crush or escalate you in 2012, you are however, in control of the happiness or sadness that will overcome you regardless of what travels your way. And you, choose where to administer your life throughout the year beyond those impacts. Will you choose to bid farewell to the impacts that changed your life in 2011 in order to establish an open mind to the opportunistic potential 2012 may offer? Or, will you be able to allow yourself to acquire knowledge to become more proficient in your own abilities you have to offer 2012 beyond the understanding 2011 has left you without?

Society is morally ambiguous and the orbit will continue to dance on with or without you whether you like it to or not. Its just a matter of figuring a way to dance with it despite its uncertainty. Will you gracefully sway with the exquisiteness our race will present or will you stumble on the disenchantment mankind may bestow upon you. One wrong stride and you could be stepping on someones foot.. tripping over yourself... or over someone else in that fact. But one right, beautiful stride and it could be one of thee most magical moments... a moment that would be marked for all time... a moment that you and the world will commend and remember as uncharted and undiscovered accomplishments for all to seek.

From 2011 to 2012, what stride is going to be yours? What are you willing to leave behind in 2011? What are you prepared to take with you into 2012? What did you discover in 2011, and what mistakes are you going to allow yourself to repeat or stagger upon in 2012? Who will you leave behind in 2011? And, who will you surround yourself with in 2012? What are you willing to risk in 2012 to permit it to supersede 2011? And most of all, what are you purposefully intended to accomplish in 2012 that you were blessed with the destiny to be able to escape 2011 and participate in 2012? How are you going to restyle the resolution to your life?

Lost Innocence

2010-09-19T22:36:00.000-07:00

(Photo compliments of Esteban Rivera)

Innocence… the absence of guilt, the harmless intentions, the freedom from sin or evil. The purity deep within our childlike hearts that becomes exceedingly obscured through our own maturity into adulthood. Innocence is an emotion, a deed, an altruistic behavior that produces rapture within an individual and can overwhelm an entire world if allowed to be communicable.

To act out of sincere innocence is completely tranquil to the body, mind, and spirit. It’s a natural endeavor accomplished by ones soul that is gratifying to the core of humanity. To feel pure innocence is invigorating to the body. The tickle in your bones, the slow pump of blood through your heart as your chest decompresses, the tingle from your stomach as it surfaces to the edge of your skin and your hair lifts gradually from your cooling self. The smile that eases across your face as your eyes intimately close and your mind is calmed and you feel weightless and safe. And just then, out of pure innocence, life around you is still happening, yet now, it’s tolerable, it’s reasonable, it’s acceptable.

Being you, truly you, and not perturbing the natural flow of righteousness that is within you, that you know will bring out the preeminent you, will allow you to taste that childlike innocence you were so instinctively born with. Take a minute, and don’t think twice, ultimately when it comes down to it, what is right? What is selfless? What won’t just benefit you, but will benefit the world as we don’t know it? What will allow you to make another smile without defiantly knowing that you didn’t do it for yourself, but you genuinely did it for them?

The next time a child has the power to alleviate the tension from within the foundation of your heart and suppress the pressures of your life for a slight moment with just a simple contagious giggle or sweet innocent smile, remember, you too, still have that same influence within yourself. Although it may not be as easy and comfortable as that of a child as they are still sheltered from the insubordination the human race is devastated with. I know that with a trivial amount of effort, your innocence within you can flow like a river and quench the thirst of those that are hopelessly seeking the smallest drop of water.

Marriage Revealed

2010-05-14T10:16:00.000-07:00

Marriage is a social union between two individuals that has merely become nothing but a legal contract binding two lives together for a moment in time.
Why has the beautiful essence of this union been so carelessly transformed into a contract of forced sense of entrapment?
We , as humans, are claimed to be the smartest mammals that inhabit planet earth, yet have become incapable of holding sacred the most important bond we have implemented within ourselves in order to grow and raise a morally successful future.
While divorce is ever rising among the lives of our fellow citizens, many others continue to indulge themselves into a commitment that I'm quite sure they are mis-interpreting.
Marriage is an honorable transformation for any two people. It is not a right amongst ourselves, but is a privilege. To say you have a right to be married is like saying you have the right to divorce. And as we are so clearly aware of, two wrongs, do not make a right.
Any two people think they are entitled to make the decision to commit themselves to one another. However, they need to understand and grasp that they are reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly binding their heart, soul, and mind into one. In turn, by this commitment that they think they are so rightfully entitled to, they have sacredly made a decision to continually grow within one another which requires mutual care, respect, and acknowledgement of the responsibility of the moral and physical union of loyalty, honesty and trust that they will use to construct their love into a single growing energy of spiritual life.
To be able to not only be responsible for your own life, you are now, not rightfully entitled to, but are privileged to be responsible for your spouses life as well. Which in turn , means, that you do not have the right to single handily destroy or take upon yourself to now embrace the act of divorce from this commitment that you have consecrated into willfully with and for your significant other and yourself.
As stated within the traditional vows of the binding of two persons into this morally honorable privilege we have been blessed to enter into, we vow to love, comfort, honor and keep one another through sickness and health, richer, or poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, and vow to cherish and continually bestow our hearts deepest devotion, forsaking all others, in an unbroken circle, as long as we both shall live. We now are bonded to not only embrace our dreams and realize our hopes together, but face our disappointments and accept our failures together. This commitment is a promise to one another to aspire to all these ideals through mutual understanding, respect, openness and sensitivity to each other.
Besides the legal affirmations of a contract that seal this commitment into finality, it is the moral understanding of two individuals that consecrates this bond and makes it a privilege to bestow and live life together as an example to society. It shows the ability and power of two people successfully willing to allow themselves to work and believe in one another in order to help not only themselves, but the world around them as two are more flourishing and capable than one.
As divorce is not a product of a bond that is unattainable, it is a product of a weak man unable to comprehend the importance of marriage itself. Two people were made in order to become one, but it is up to each one of these individuals to realize and fathom the stakes at which they are putting and believing in to create a future that is indestructible by no other than themselves.

As the bible says:

"... Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

-Matthew 19:4-6

Unfortunately, again, when you make the decision to marry another person, you vow to become one until the day you die. You vow to respect that other person as you respect yourself as you two are now one, not separates.
It is the responsibility of you and only you, to inspect and understand the human being in which you are going to mold your life with. As you vow to grow together, and not apart from one another, this is a mutual understanding between two people that has one morally correct result, which is forever.
When the decision of divorce is presented in a marriage, it is a product of ones weak sense of interpretation of the pledge they made to their spouse. You either entered into a commitment you misunderstood through the lack of your own knowledge, or you were blindly mislead by your spouse into their ignorant behavior of deceit. To embellish in your own self gratification for a moment in time that is supposed to be a sacred engagement for the rest of your life with another person is to abolish any sense of trust or genuine sense of character within yourself.
If you are going to make the decision to enter into marriage, I highly recommend you take a second to research within yourself what this divine promise and responsibility not only means to you, but what it means to your spouse. Realize that you are deciding to become an example to society of a partnership that is solid and unyielding to the temptations of hypocrisy.
To vow to another for the rest of your life where divorce is not an option is pure devotion and undeniably the perfect intimate meaning and symbol in the fruitation and fulfillment of marriage.
So as you are eager to take anothers life and mesh it into yours, clearly appreciate and recognize the importance of the vow you are about to unify with that other. Don't let the pressures of your own instant gratification blind the future of what ultimately will solidify your meaning in life if understood and entered into correctly.

Soul Mate

2010-01-27T16:55:00.000-08:00

(Photo: Compliments of Esteban Rivera)

Soul Mate: Someone in which you naturally share deep feelings and a sense of well being with . The emotions erected from a soul mate vary from one individual to the next based on the expectations one has projected their soul mate to posses or encompass. It takes pride and assurance within yourself to connect with your own soul, but it takes confidence and illumination in order to trust your soul to connect with another in a way that it will be changed indefinitely.

Your presence is graceful and innate. It soothes ones world and leaves it at peace. Your exotic light radiates the room and beams through ones soul. It is so engaging and pleasurable that it astounds ones mind and strikes a picturesque moment that is breathtaking. You project the smile that ameliorates and confirms my soul in a way that it no longer feels the need for any other love but yours.

Your eyes are profound and multifaceted that they project a bona fide background. They send a genuine glare that is alluring and intense, captivating ones heart. Your eyes seem as if they are skilled to automatically welcome the complexity of the human race. They are exquisite and offer an opportunity to preview the charisma and fascination to which they withhold. Your capability to convey and perceive emotion from afar through a single glance, sends a chill down my back.

Your mind is attentive and reflects consistently in a way that it inspires others. It is meticulous so that it assembles your atmosphere but doesn't overwhelm it. Your intellectual and sentient views intrigue the spirit yearning for further encounters. Your mind comprehends the need to be versatile and considerate of the indefinite. You acquire the ability to not only listen, but appreciate and assimilate information presented to you. You convey to others that you are amicable and accepting which engenders a feeling of adoration within one self. Your mind animates thoughts that are expressive and influential to the natural world around you. Your soul is vigorous and cultured and allows you to feel compassion for the corrupt yet vulnerable nation.

Your embrace is tender and calms the muscles yet generates the sense of needles lightly pricking the body to instant gratification. The slightest touch is significantly demonstrative that it triggers the heart to pump faster sending shock waves of rushing blood through ones veins. Your distinctiveness can persuade the most powerfully willed soul to collapse. Your touch is so natural and tranquil that it is evocative of an internal serenity. Your soul is significantly benevolent that it arouses the senses to an astronomical peak.

Your language is melodious and infectious to the very essence of human mentality. You’re insightful and yielding to the quality that attitude and character impacts the way you are heard. Your sagaciousness is ingenious and gratifying not only to the ear but to the center of ones soul. Your song is effective and enticing to creatures of all manner. You hold the power to enable my soul to envision the light at the end of the tunnel at all times and without a doubt project an absolute sense of trust that enlightens my world. Your intentions are pure and authentic and therefore honorable. They are of valid and valued substance and are clearly selfless. Even when disgraced, you exude pride and sincerity.

I, without a doubt, have undeniable belief that you bring out the preeminent me and allow me to envisage your soul with clarity and preciseness because I am, for once, confident in the trust and understanding of another.

I am so grateful to be able to experience life through myself and another and visualize a glimpse of a future that is consummate and irrefutably true.

The Come Back

2010-01-03T23:07:00.000-08:00

So much to say and so little time... how is it that the things we love to do are the things that are neglected?

Why is it that we live to survive in this chaos, yet don't get to relish in it as we have intended?

I love to write and love to spend time time with my loved ones, yet don't get time to write, and my time with my loved ones is cut short because I struggle to exist.

I am sorry to those that follow that I have not been able to update you with a following... but so much has occurred in the past couple of months that I really don't know where to begin...

As I sit in this dark, and friendly, chilled windstorm, so many emotions and occurrences run through my mind. The chimes ring uncontrollably in the distance, the wind bellows through the canyons, and I sit desolate on my patio... for once.. trying to find the words to explain the unexplainable.

Love has been lost... love has been gained... right turns, wrong turns... so channels all of our day to day lives. To be able to grasp the importance of the reason behind my ongoing unfolding is the the challenge. I feel as if I am the plain un-structured brown box blowing lifelessly down the unmarked streets.

Although I know there is a rationale motivation for the incidents in my life, I exert more effort than needed to assume what they are instead of accepting their significance.

And though I usually rely on your better response to make sense of my customary life, it is the pessimistic view I have been avoiding.

So many quick to respond unconstructively that it made me shy from the idiom... however, so be my gamble at sharing my life with the world.

We all live a paralleled, yet personally significant life. I find my ability to distribute mine, not a nuisance, but an amelioration to those whom are willing to be accepting to the fact that we as a whole, can insignificantly help each other.

As I slowly, search the confidence within myself to once again share my existence with those around me, I encourage you to listen, ponder, and react with enthusiasm... or with apathy... as I will the gain to accept the good with the bad.

Life so lives itself undeniably, so we shall live life gregariously.

I am coming to you with uncertain inquiries, trust to share yours. We do coincide together whether we like it or not. Lets come together and make substance of our vivacity.

Aurora Nava

2009-11-21T09:59:00.000-08:00

RIP Nana... I will love and miss you forever!

Thank You!

2009-10-08T11:27:00.001-07:00

(In response to "Anonymous" in the blog "Anonymous IDIOT")

Suzie Sateri wrote...

wow, let's remember what goes around comes around. That's not a nice thing to say. God Bless YOU whoever you are and I'm sorry to Charlie for those hateful words about the Mother she adores, and to Ronie, who is human like us all, who make mistakes just like you did in the comment. Let's move on and be civil here! Focus on the positive and that's what you'll get. Focus on the negative and...you're screwed and it's your own fault.

Dear Suzie,

Thank you for your comment. I continue to be thankful for those of you who read my blogs and recognize the reasons why I post them. It's not necessarily to tell my story, but to help others know that there are real people out there just like them that go through mishaps just as they do. I AM only human and try to learn from others mistakes, but am sometimes unfortunate that I have to learn from my own. I post my blogs in hopes that others will know that they are not alone, and they can move forward regardless of what comes their way despite what kind of malicious acts the world may curse upon them.

Life is a journey filled with both beauty and deceit; it is the beauty that helps me truck through the difficult and intimidating times. And nevertheless, no matter how hard you try to move forward there will always be someone who will try to continue to set you back. Fortunate for me, I realize this and they just become minor pits in the road that don't jumble me anymore. However, it is much harder for others to see the light at the end of the tunnel. In which case, I have to say to them, stay strong, and keep your head up, where there is a will, there is a way!

Thank you for all your support Suzie and like always, I wish you the best in your endeavors!

-Ronie B. Hemsley

Anonymous IDIOT!

2009-10-07T19:24:00.000-07:00

(In response to the Blog "Move Forward")

Anonymous said...

you fucking cunt... if you dont start watching what comes out of your fucking trap, who you say it to, or what bullshit you post on here making yourself feel better about what you've done/haven't done, then your gonna end up with nothing less than a mangled face that your little daughter can stare at all day

Dear Anonymous,

First off, in case you are a completely idiotic, which by your vulgar and limited vocabulary clearly defends, it is highly unwise of you to threaten me on the internet. You are obviously unaware that your IP address is tracked and I have the ability to track exactly who you are if needed. Therefore, if you decide to ever do anything to me or my daughter, don't think you won't be caught. And even if it's not you that ends up doing something, I have this blog comment that I can use against you anyway to put you in jail just because you have threatened me.

So if you thought you were going to come on here and comment in such a disgusting and ruthless way and think that you honestly could not be tracked by Google, your stupidity evidently outweighs your macho ability scare tactics that you thought you had. It makes me laugh to think that while you were trying to disturb my world with your foolish and senseless antics, you just made yourself look dense and injudicious.

Thank you for the laughs and I hope that you continue to log on my Blog Site and read at your will, as you have noticeably done so in the past. I love my lovers and love my haters!

Have a superb evening... oh wait, I'll put it in your words... have a fuc$ing cool evening. aaaaahhhh hahahahahahaha!

Get a Grip

2009-09-15T11:12:00.000-07:00

And the world continues to go round...
Whatever happened yesterday, is yesterday...
Today is a new day...

The person who died, is dead... the person who was born, is now here... the person who was in your life, now isn't... and the person who wasn't in your life, now is.

The problems you were handed yesterday that you thought you couldn't handle are either handled or still linger for the pure fact that you are here and are handling them. The only difference is that you are given today to rethink and do today what you thought you couldn't or didn't do yesterday.

The world around you continues to spin, spin with it. Don't let life pass you by...

"You can't always get what you want, but you may just find, you get what you need"

Trust me, it's for the best, whether you think so or not. You are never handed anything in your life that you can't deal with. And if you think you can't deal with it, you're not giving yourself the benefit of the doubt. Don't sell yourself short. There are enough people in the world that will do that for you... it's up to you to pick yourself up and rise above. So do it! Let it go!

The world goes round, and you are apart of the world whether you like it or not. Are you going to choose the way your circle spins or are you gonna let it spin out of control? Get a Grip while you still can!

Bradley Manuel Buron

2009-08-08T23:18:00.001-07:00

I'm so sorry for any pain you had to endure today and I'm sorry for the pain your family and friends will live with after today. I hope that we all can come to terms and that instead of sorrow, you will bring a smile to our face when we think of you! I love you and thank you for all the memories you have given me and the smiles you have brought me in the time that we spent. You will always live in my heart and I will miss you forever!

-Ronie

The Insider EXPOSED

2009-08-05T18:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

I will respond to those of you whom I haven't responded to yet in a couple of days. I will be taking a break and regathering my thoughts as I lost a dear friend today.

Thank you!

Dear Anonymous,

I'm not quite sure why all the questions are so serious... I'm just responding to my readers and so far they have been asking questions on a serious note.

But if you want to lighten it up it a bit, go ahead! HA! Ask me something funny! I am up to answer ANYTHING! This is everyone's chance to get to know anything and any side of me that they want to know... so enjoy it, cause it won't last long. Now is your chance, so take it.

Thank You

Dear Suzie,

Thank you for your interest in my writings and taking the time to not only read them, but comprehending, sharing and reacting to them. Thank you for the encouraging words and the inspiration for me to not be afraid to explore and discover myself through writing. You are an intellectual and amazingly talented person and am proud to call you a true friend.

Thank You!

Dear Anonymous,

Ryan is the man who gave me the most amazing gift in my life, my daughter. He is down right hilarious, absolutely compassionate, incredibly witty, and constructively clever and handy. We like to call him the "Trout Slayer" because I have never seen such a patient and skilled mind that can outwit one of the most jittery and quickest fish of them all. With his trout slaying abilities, one of a kind ingenious ideas, proficiency in being able to fix anything around the house, expertise in growing the finest vegetables in town, and an incredible personality that can attract creatures of all natures, he is someone I would highly recommend anyone should get to know. I can recall 360 reasons why anyone could love him.

Even though Ryan is definitely all male, he encompasses the ability to be understanding, passionate, and kind. He is a remarkable father to my daughter and I admire his tenderness, love, and devotion towards her. She is the apple of his eye and he exudes that for all to see. They have a bond that is pure, unconditional, and utterly untouchable. I feel, by far, exceptionally privileged and fortunate to be able to call him the father of my daughter.

Thank you

Dear Young One,

I am still unable to explain what I truly want and need in life as I feel I am just now realizing what has created, molded, and distinguished my inner thoughts, desires, and motives. I am learning to encompass the beauty to be able to reflect within myself in order to determine what path and what reason my being is intended to be on earth. I do know that I truly want to be a representation of my beliefs, understandings, and ideas of the world. I am not hear to negatively impose my views on others, but only hope that I can help and inspire at least one soul to be enlightened not by me, but by all that this life has to offer.

I also do truly know that I don't think of what I want anymore, but I now make decisions based on what is necessary to improve myself in order to enhance my daughters life in each way needed. With that, I recognize that I don't always make the best judgements, but can only be open and accepting to that and learn how to correct them and move forward in a positive direction.

In answer to your question about me being happy... that's a a simple one word answer... YES!

My decision to have my daughter was based on what was essential and the next natural step in my life. I do have every intention of getting married at some point because that also will be a natural step for me as well. However, sometimes what we so desperately want in life at a certain moment in time is not what we necessarily need in the long run. Just because marriage seemed to be the next best decision, the belief that I was ready to commit to another human soul was drastically dis positioned as I realized that myself as well as others still yearned for answers as to who I was. I came to the realization that my life was living and was about to harbor another life without any drive to direct another soul in a meaningful path. This was because everything I thought I knew about myself was only skin deep and that I had so much more to offer that I needed to discover. On that note, I also became conscious of the fact that it was not fair to capture and commit to another being without knowing why and what I knew I could and would be able to offer them. That was a situation I was able to control verses the situation of me bringing my daughter into this world. The decision to have my daughter was already made as I said before because it was an essential and natural decision for me to make. But my decision to marry could not be carried out because I wasn't fulfilled with myself and therefore didn't feel I could fulfill that other person at that time.

You also ask what truly makes me happy and satisfied...

Love, laughter, creation, untouched beauty, mysteriously created beauty. Life, mistakes, and human nature at it's finest... and last but not least, but most important, the smile and inspiration my daughter gives me and will give me every day, hour, minute, and second of my life.

Thank you

Dear Suzie,

In a nut shell...

My life is chaotic because I am the product of carelessness, surprise, disaster, lies, betrayal, heartbreak, and mischief. I am imperfection at it's best... I openly admit that I used to be naive and emotionally driven but am learning to redirect my anger from the past and and present to be aware, conscious and responsible for my actions and reactions. Not that I want to lose my emotions or not let them aid in my decisions, but I want to overcome my emotions before acting irrational. Someone once told me that we are wise if we learn from our own mistakes, but are extraordinary if we can learn from the mistakes of others. I want to be able to hear, comprehend and utilize the experienced language of those around me. I am slowly learning to deliberate situations in order to reason and compromise with my environment.

In addition,

My life is beautiful because I am also the product of love, understanding, practicality, open mindedness, pride, independence, personality, and light. My family is there for me yet they don't overwhelm me. My daughter is the most beautiful creation in this world and gives me every hope, want, and desire to better myself in all means, methods, and manner. My friends, family, and associates are remarkable in that they are supportive creatures in which I confide and trust in. I see the world not as deceit, evil, and contradiction, but view it in edification and see the wonder, creation, and promising existence it has to offer. I admire those who have the ability to imagine and perform outside the bubble and have encouraging hopes that those who don't will attain the knowledge they necessitate in order to emerge from their cocoon.

Thank you

Role Reversal

2009-08-05T10:29:00.000-07:00

Lets switch it up a bit... now you know I want to hear from you, but maybe it will help to ease you by you hearing from me...

ROLE REVERSAL...

Instead of me asking you questions, how about you asking me questions?

I know there are plenty of you out there that have a few or so questions to ask me, so NOW is your time. I'm taking a minute to put my bare naked soul out on the table for you...

SO... ask away, and I will honestly answer anything you want to know...

PROMISE!

The Drive

2009-08-04T09:13:00.000-07:00

I want to thank those of you who responded to my latest blog, or who respond or comment to any of my blogs at all for that matter.

I write because the world in which we live in is filled with wonder and mystery... and the human brain is what drives our race to make decisions that affect this wonderful and mysterious world.

Some of my writings are inspirations within my own chaotic yet beautiful life in which I live. But most of of my writings originate from observing, listening, and feeling the atmosphere around me.

While I was originally encouraged to write a book about my own life, I soon came to the realization that while doing so, I would also like to encompass your thoughts, motivations, and experiences as well... I want to know who, what , when, where, and why you think the way you do.

There are limitless views, beliefs, opinions and reactions to the events that occur in our lives, yet somehow we can all come to a certain compromise or relation to one another whether it be through our own life or through someone that we know.

In addition to knowing your accepted wisdoms on my writings, I also want to know what drives them or what is going to stimulate your mind to respond to them. Therefore, I have decided to write some short and sometimes controversial blogs in order to unlock the fear within my audience; to drive them, to stimaulate their minds which is intended to compell them to respond.

So while some of my blogs may strike a chord within your bodies, it is the the drive that gives confidence in me that my writings are affecting your brain in which I have all anticipated to do.

So read them, ponder them, react to them, and muster up the desire inside you to share your knowledge, familiararity, and understanding with those that surround tyou!

The Words YOU Could Never Say

2009-07-21T13:05:00.000-07:00

Ever meet that person that just captivates your mind in a way that everything else around you becomes non existent? Ever wish you could tell that person how you feel but are unable to due to some known or unknown force that prevents you from spilling your guts?
Well now is your chance... I want you to tell that person how you feel, get it off your chest... let the sappiness flow. All you have to do is comment below... you can choose to leave your name, or you can do it anonymously (for those of you that might have a girlfriend or boyfriend and don't want to get in trouble). Share with others your un-confessed love and read others newly secretly confessed love for someone else...
OR...
If there is that one person you have been dying to tell off, give a piece of your mind to, hell... I want to hear that too, and I'm sure everyone else would as well. Have fun guys, LETS HEAR IT, FINALLY!

Jenika (unfinished)

2009-06-07T17:26:00.000-07:00

Useless, petrified, feeble, desolate, infuriated, anxious and apprehensive... to be mislaid in time uncertain of your return if any return exists at all.

"Fight or Flight" is the name of the game...

Natural instinct causes the Fight to prevail over the Flight in the greater part of the human race. But sometimes you are overpowered and dominated in contrary to your will. In thus case you are left to deliberate between giving in to the opposing factor in hopes to bamboozle them into thinking that they are in control or continuing to revolt against their supremacy with the anticipation of overthrowing their desire to defeat you...

ONE

2009-05-31T22:11:00.000-07:00

YOU will be the ONE.
You will look at me and knows this is right where you should be. You will have the knowledge and depth to look into my eyes and feel my heart. You will know I am what you have been waiting for. You will be the ONE who knows what I'm thinking from across the room just by a single glance. You will be the ONE who puts me first not because you have to but because you want to. You will be the ONE that will be proud to call me yours.
THIS will be the ONE.
This will be the one who gets it. This person will be smart, motivated, and have the desire to develop a healthy and flourishing environment for our family. This person will know exactly what they want. This person will be the one who is so confident in themselves that they will know they are the ONE for me, but not just because they have more to offer than any other being, but because they know I have more to offer than any other woman. They will know that I am THEIR ONE.
This WILL be the ONE.
They will not only listen, but will understand. The ONE will have the capacity to explore the world with me and enjoy the wonders of unexplainable life. They will have the smile that encompasses the power to light up my every waking morning and confirm that my soul longs for nothing more than the love they have to offer. The ONE will send a perpetual bliss through my body when we make love by knowing how to respect and honor our bodies the way that they should be. The ONE will appreciate my opinions and individuality. They will take pride and be supportive in my decisions. They will be someone whom I can set goals with and whom I can work with to achieve them. The ONE will be the co-leader whom I will encourage through our life. They will not only know how to love but will show their love. The ONE will complete the puzzle.
This will BE the ONE.
They will be the one who has the potential to hold my heart in their hands and know that it will always be theirs and will only be theirs. The ONE will not only be sensitive and gentle enough to handle my heart and keep it beating, but also strong and wise enough to protect it as if it were their own. They will be vulnerable enough to feel pain and will share it with me as I will share mine with them. The ONE will be compassionate, charming, possess fine character and resilience. They will not be afraid to defend our bond against all odds. They will be the one whom I can trust with my life. And they will be the one who will trust me with their life. They will be the ONE whom I will live with and for till the day I die.
This will be the ONE.
My best friend.
My rock.
My equal partner.
My counter part.
My heart.
My soul.
Mine.
And most of all, the ONE will be the person whose heart will melt every time they see our child.

For You

2008-11-07T08:30:00.000-08:00

This is for you. You're 15 minutes of fame in a chapter of my life. The 15 minutes I swore I would never give you, but you asked for it, so here it is.

I told you that I would never say anything untrue or anything that would degrade you. I told you I would never share with others what we had whether it was good or bad. Our eight years together was something that was shared between us and should have been kept between us.

I believe that when two people are in a relationship, the events, emotions, and bonds that are shared between them are something special, something that only they understand at that moment in time. Those moments will never be able to be brought back, and the feelings that were shared during them have been distorted by the lack of understanding on your part. Now that you have decided to share these moments with others, you have destroyed the meaning that they did have or could have ever had. And though you say you never loved me or don't care about anything we once had, I think myself and others could agree that it's a sad excuse to cover up the the fact that you know you screwed up, you don't know how to fix it, and instead of fessing up to your insecurities and fears, you continue to destroy anything and everything that pertains to us... me.

While I have tried to explain to you the reasons why I left the one I so desperately wanted to share my life with, you did nothing but take those reasons, eat them up, and spit them out. I'm sorry that you can't grasp the fact that at the moment where you went where no one should ever go with their love, that it was that moment that was the turning point for me to realize that the one and only that I wanted was now any longer the ONE. I even gave you a second chance to redeem your violent behavior, but when it happened again, I knew I wasn't going to stay and allow you to walk all over me any longer.

I think it's classic that you made everyone around us think I left you because I wanted to be with someone else, when in fact I left you because you let the alcohol get the best of you and bring out the absolute worst in you. I hoped and still hope that you never share a moment like that with any other woman. And while I should have stood up for myself and told others the real reason I left, I didn't. I didn't for you. Like I said, whether the moments are good or bad, they should be kept between those two people. Because I knew you were hurt, I let you relish in your sick little lies that you led others into believing so that you could try and make yourself feel better. No matter what you said about me, I never ran your name through the dirt, because I knew the guilt you felt for doing what you did to me and the hurt you felt because you knew I would never come back to you.

I let you talk your trash and spread your rumors in hopes that one day you would come around and realize the words you talk and the feelings of hate that you have are not really towards me, but towards yourself for letting me go. You chose this whether you realize it or not. The moment you chose your alcohol and the moment you chose to behave in a manner that was uncalled for was the moment you decided we were over, the moment you decided we would never have a chance, the moment you decided for me that I was done with you.

I know it was easier for you to think I was wandering out with someone else. The truth is I was out meeting other people, but only because you let me.

I knew you talked to other girls, emailed other girls, went and took other girls to dinner, and even shared moments with other girls that you didn't share with me while we were together. But I still stood by you thinking you would change because I knew you loved me and not them. I knew you drank a lot, and so did I, I still stood by you thinking it was just because we were young and having a good time. I know we had crazy outbursts and sometimes fought like cats and dogs, but I still stood by you because we were young, immature and didn't know any better at the time. We weren't too good at sharing our feelings and getting our point across, but I still stood by you because I thought we could eventually learn together and get through it, that's what it's all about right? When everyone told me to leave you, I still stood by you because I thought we could prove them wrong... I thought we had a love that could withstand any storm that came our way. But when you were the one that provided the storm I knew that I was being blinded by a love that wasn't really there. That's when I started to lose hope, when I started to open up myself to others, when the blinders came off and I could see what everyone else was seeing all along. That's when I left you.

I can tell you that when I left, a part of me hoped that things still might work out between you and I. But I was just holding on to the good times that we had, and what I was really thinking was that I hoped that things could just be the way they were before we got smacked by reality.
The reality was that we were a disaster. We were in our own world... we thought we were untouchable and that everything was good when in reality we were our own destruction. They say all good things must come to an end. But how do you end it when you're having such a good time? It took the storm that you provided for me to realize that it was time for me to move on in my life or we would be stuck in the hole that we created for ourselves that we didn't even know we were digging. But once I came back to reality, I didn't want to go back to the way things were, and I didn't hate you for what you did to me, but I was relieved that I pulled myself out before we got buried.

While I moved on and met my breathe of fresh air, you held on to turmoil and bashed me every chance you got. As if the detriment that you caused me when we ended wasn't enough, you dragged it out into the years up until now.

I have tried to create a civil and friendly relationship with you because regardless of the pain that we caused each other, we did love each other whether you would like to admit it or not. And yes, you will always have a special part in my heart because I spent everyday for six years with you and I would like to hope that it wasn't for nothing. Whether it meant anything to you or not, I learned a life of lessons while I was with you. I'm not ashamed to tell anyone that I will always be there for you because I will always care for you as a friend no matter how much irrelevant babble falls from your mouth. You're in pain and that's OK. I'm sorry that you're stuck where you are or feel the need to do or say the things about me that you do. It's no sweat off my back. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. We shared a lot together and you even have videos to prove it... who wouldn't have videos of a significant other if they were in a relationship together for eight years?

All in all, I'm happy where I'm at now, and even though it's hard for you to believe that I'm happy without you, I really am! I hope one day you will wake up, grow up, and find someone that will make you as happy as I am. It's a wonderful thing, and even though we loved each other, it wasn't the type of love that two people who spend the rest of their lives together should have had... thus the reason why we will never spend our lives together as one. But I will be here for you as a friend as I have said once before. And though I know you will continue to talk non-sense, because that's just what you will always do until you grow up, if you ever even do, just know that I can and will always rise above your arrogant behavior that you so desperately force upon others! You're words and lies no longer hurt me but just make me sad to know that your soul is so tormented. For a single second throughout the years I felt bad for leaving you, but quickly woke myself up and remembered that things are the way they are because of what you did. And while you clearly don't have it in you to thank yourself yet for how things are today, I do thank you because I have a wonderful life that I wouldn't have had if I was still with you.

And like I told you before, I will never stoop to your level and say things that are untrue or that would degrade you as you have done or said about me.

This is your 15 minutes of fame... I hope you enjoyed it... because... I sure did!

The Unknown

2008-10-08T19:46:00.000-07:00

I always think I know what my next move will be. Just when I think I have things figured out, life throws me a curve ball. I know that it's all part of the roller coaster, just another fork in the path of life. But how do you determine which road to take?

You always want to make the preeminent choice, but how do you come to that? Assessing your options is not always an easy task at hand. There is always the preferred choice, but does it only seem preferred because it's uncomplicated and it's what society expects of you? Or is it because it's the path that has been traveled before and is what's comfortable?

How do you muster up the courage to select the unknown?

To make a decision that contradicts what society thought you represented could turn out to be more problematic than making that preferred choice. So is it worth it?

The answer is YES!

It may seem more tranquil to pick the preferred choice, but to whom is it preferred is the question you need to ask yourself. Just because society, or should I say friends, family, and others surrounding you think you should make a particular choice, doesn't mean it's superlative. Only you know what you need. Your loved ones do try to look out for your best interest, however, only you know your life. Only you know what is ultimately going to make you happy. You don't live for others, so even though those who surround you may think you may be making an incompetent choice, hopefully they will soon comprehend that you also want whats best for you, and that you, and only you, know what's in your heart. And sometimes following your heart could become tricky, but other times it seems to be the only entity necessary in making a bold decision.

I do understand that some of us make irrational mistakes, but if you are clearly analyzing a situation, it is up to you to come to a conclusion.

And if for some reason the resolution you come to ends up being the imperfect choice, all you can do is learn from it and move forward. Those who do love you will be there to support and assist you instead of saying, "I told you so". Those who act condescending will still not be heard in the future because they are truly not looking out for your best interest, but will only be seeking gratification from your imperfections.

And if the resolution you come to does end up being the perfect choice, you will be one step closer to realizing what makes you happy and those who love you will still be there to support you. Those who opposed your decision will be envious that you are satisfied outside their bubble.

The only downfall in making a sole and self decision may come if it involves the life of others. But all you can do is hope that they trust you in the future that you did make what you thought was the most beneficial decision for their life as well.

Serendipity

2008-08-25T20:13:00.000-07:00

My heart is alive and you will never know how much I thank you for doing that for me. I've waited all my life to meet you and here you are right before me. You amaze me every time I see you. I will attempt, but I don't believe will ever be able to explain in words the sensations and emotions you send through my body.
It's weird that I know what you're thinking every time my eyes meet yours. And even more, I know that you know what I'm thinking just by a single glance. I feel the warmth in your heart with the touch of your hands, and experience the calmness in your love with every word you speak. I've never been so sure and unsure at the same time.
We have a bond that can withstand the turbulence of the world, but will never be able to test it's measures because the world cannot withstand the strength of our whirl.
You are able to make me smile without even trying. You make me feel like I am the only one in the room every time I am with you. For once in my life I feel peaceful, I feel safe, I feel real, I feel I was meant to be. You make me the luckiest woman alive without even saying a word. And without me having to say anything, you just get it! How? How do you just know?
You are always on my mind. You are intelligent. You are driven. You are compassionate. You are breathtaking. You are my ONE, you are my soul mate, where did you come from? I am absolutely content with the life I live, but am in complete awe when I spend it with you. They say all good things must come to an end, but why?
How? Why? And now?
You make my world spin, but in a way that makes complete sense. It all fits, but I don't know how. You are everything I want but I can't have. It's all perfect timing but it's not. I have stumbled across you and are yet to discover the meaning of our encounter. I know you are my soul mate, but how do you tear apart two souls who were meant to be?
It makes me think...

How Do You Make Me Feel?

2008-07-05T21:24:00.000-07:00

There are so many different people that make us feel worthy in so many different ways. And there are so many people that could make us feel capable and worthy but don't. Why do some choose to make us feel a certain way and some don't feel that we're laudable or worth their time? And why do some not make us feel a certain way when they try, but yet others make us feel that way when they don't even try at all?
Now don't lose me here. If you need to re-read that, be my guest. I need you to understand so that you can attempt to feel the way that I am feeling right now.
One person can make me feel so delightful, yet this person is earning that. They are the type that actually tries to make me feel this way. This person will go above and beyond and will continue to do it because they know they are making me feel good.
Then there is that person who also tries to make me feel good, but doesn't make me feel good at all. This person continues to seek a gratified reaction and continues to keep their eye on the goal even though they may not attain it.
There is also that one person that doesn't try at all, but yet there is something about them that just makes me feel like I'm on cloud nine. This person will either enjoy that they can make me feel this way without doing anything at all or they could be that one person who honestly could care less.
And there is always that one person that doesn't try to do anything at all, and yes, doesn't do anything for me at all. This person usually is only known as that person, if you know what I mean. And they actually might be that person that I wish would try to do something or make me feel some way just so that I might try to connect with them, but yet if they're not willing to try then why do I even care? Weird huh?
There is also that person that I thought could make me happy, but when push comes to shove, just doesn't have the potential to please me at all.
And of course, there is that person that I just didn't think had it in them to enlighten me, but has blown me away by the feelings and emotions they have been able to bring out of me.
Why is it that sometimes I long for the person that I wish could make me happy but really is not doing so at the current time?
And why do I push away the person that is making me happy?
People are very enigmatic, emotional, abstract, and ambiguous living creatures and I am definitely one of them. While I continue to wonder why certain individuals have the capability to bring out different aspects and behaviors within me, others around me will probably not even notice that I notice how they do it.
And while I continue to question why those certain others around me don't try to bring out undeniable sensations that they have the potential to bring out, I will sit and ponder how long it will take them to realize how much more enjoyable their life may be if they just try once in a while.

Untouchable

2008-04-02T22:40:00.001-07:00

You will never grasp the pain you cause me.
You know how to clinch my heart and hold on so that every beat feels like there's a rubber band wrapped tightly around it.
Your anger pierces my veins as if there is ice cold fluid running through them,
and most of all,
you detour my mind into this suffocation of thoughts that drown me into loneliness.
You and only you do this to me.
You blind me into thinking that the person I once knew is here and I grab onto that rope and pull on it every chance I get.
I love to see you smile from within. I have experienced the compassion in your heart, and I adore when you share the complexity of your profound thoughts with me. You are a very kindhearted person and the depth of your personality is immeasurable.
From the first moment I met you, I knew you would play an important role on my life. Little did I know that this would be the role that you would play.
One altercation, one wrong sentence, and one more drink is that one wrong tug that leads you down the path of destruction. Not only to yourself, but to the people around you and unfortunately to those closest to you. I go from the daily rise and shine to the person you say you never even loved to begin with. That one wrong tug brings back the person who I fear the most. There, begins the roller coaster, once again, to our so called friendship. I trick myself into thinking that I can change you and that all will be in its right place. I believe that deep inside you, you do have the potential to keep that charming and considerate side to you but when you feel exposed and the slightest bit confronted in a vulnerable state, you lash out in the most brusque and abrasive way.
I have always been here for you, stood by you, believed in you, and tried to help you realize this destructive behavior. I have even struggled to remove myself from your life in hopes you would recognize your weakness. But through my weakness, I have not only re-entered your life but have let you re-enter mine. And not only do I now understand that you needed me more than I thought, but I understand that you need me for all the wrong reasons.
I will no longer stand by and listen to have you turn around and insult me. I will not defend your ignorant behavior. While I admire the person you could be, I can't bare to suffer from the person that you are right now. I have fought to have you in my life despite the warnings from those around me because I truly thought you cared. But the way you turn against me at the drop of a hat makes me second guess the sincerity of our time spent when times are good.
When we were kids we used to say that sticks and stones will break our bones but words will never hurt us. Yet, the wounds from the sticks and stones seem to heal a lot quicker than the detrimental words that lay embedded in our minds. I like most the saying, that if you can't say anything nice, you shouldn't say anything at all.
This is what you have taught me.
I pray that I have the strength to learn from you and not make anyone feel the way you make me feel during your hurtful outbursts.
Though we have the most intimate heart to hearts and a bond that is untouchable, because of your inability to accept and change your wrongdoings, our journey has finally come to an end.

Enlightened

2008-04-02T22:40:00.000-07:00

Instant gratification.
While it seems to be the best thing at that moment, it's not always the most reasonable route to take. While the satisfaction may seem to prevail over all and make time stand still, there is the reality of life that you must face once the rush has ended.
Will your indulgence leave you longing for more... more than you anticipated? Will this quick and simple answer to your feeling of displeasure cure whats missing? Will your bliss even be enough to tide you over or get you through the imperfections that are haunting you?
Spontaneous amusement.
Sudden responses or actions without deliberation can seem exhilarating at that instant but can leave you feeling culpable in the end. Almost like a drug, the consequences of impulsiveness can sometimes outweigh the anticipation and thrill your body is craving. It's human nature to relish in temptation but its up to you to decide whether or not your own instant euphoria is worth it.
Ecstasy.
We all crave the ecstasy that spontaneous amusement gives us by being instantly gratified. Who wouldn't? It feels good to live out of the norm for one split second and get what you want when you want it. To cure the desire that has been tingling through your body. To release the pressures of reality and emphasize on a false paradise where you feel untouchable.

But sometimes, the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Think about why you are needing that instant gratification, and work from there. What is causing you to long for that euphoric stage. If you can root where the need for the rush is stemming from, you might be able to come up with a reasonable way to obtain it rather than acting on impulse and getting it in an unnatural way. To act without thinking will only cause an unexpected outcome. So think before you act. Regardless of your choice, the reality of your life will always be there. Instead of living out of the real, figure out how to really live and the results will surpass any ecstasy you ever thought you could enjoy. When you put significant importance behind your decisions, you will learn to take pleasure in the greater things in life rather than the instantly meaningless gratifications that we are tempted with.

What did you expect?

2007-12-15T14:39:00.005-08:00

They're there for you from the moment you are born. They protect you day in and day out. They try to do the best for you in hopes that you will succeed and survive in the future. The only instructions they have are the experiences that they have endured through their life. The common sense and beliefs that they hold are what reflect on you and mold you to the person that you are to become. They are the people that you look up to, or the people that inspire you to do all that you can in this world.
These are the people that we are to listen to and respect over all the rest in the world. But they too are human. But do they realize this? Do they realize that not only do we see and recognize their good examples, but also catch a glimpse of their imperfections. Do they know that when they try to hide their imperfections it makes us feel as if we are incapable of dealing with the fact that they are one of us. They are afraid to let down and be on our level. While they try to hold themselves on a pedestal, they are actually destroying the trust by pretending that everything is OK when it's not.
We are your kids. We would like to think that you have raised us in your best judgement. That you have given your all and that you will continue to give your all. We are not stupid. You have taught us that not everything works out the way we want it to and that things aren't always fair, but yet you don't listen to your own words. You pretend as if we don't know the truth. Through our lives we thought that our family would be untouchable, that we were one, and we learned this from you. Yet you are the ones who show us the exact opposite.
We are the ones that are struggling to keep the family bonds alive. It hurts to know that you love us more than anything in the world, yet we can't help you. We know that what happens is not our fault, but it hurts to know that we cannot fix it. You are our rock, and now you are breaking. Our glimpse of hope seeps through the cracks as you seek to live your life and not our life. While you pretend it will be OK because you are now embellishing your new found freedom, we are left wondering why. You want us to visit and pretend we are OK with the fact that our family rock has broken, but it's one of the hardest things for us to do.
We were taught to never give up. All things are possible. All your hard work will pay off. Yet you have given up. Is it not worth it? The fact that we are older does not make it easier, but makes it harder in the sense that we realize that you are not willing to make it work, that not all things are possible, and that you gave up. It might not be all that you thought it was going to be. You may have hurt each other, you may even hate each other from time to time. You may feel that there is more out there and that you want more.
But it is not about you. The moment you brought us into your life it it became about us. You vowed through sickness and health, better or worse, till death do you part. Did it not mean a thing? We know you have screw ups and the best thing to do is face them head on. Don't pretend they didn't happen... we know. We thought that because we were a family we would get through this. But it's because we are a family that this is happening. You chose to be here with this person and have us as bystanders. So do it.
If you are going to let go, don't expect us to hold on. Why should we give you all the dedication, love, and satisfaction if you can't do it for us? You say it is better this way... maybe for you. All we know is one and now it is none. Don't be surprised if we cut out short from our now so called family get togethers, remember, you let it go first. Don't be taken back if we don't feel up to dealing with our problems and working things out, we learned that from you. Don't be distruaght when we seek attention in other ways, you're not there to give it the way we need it. Don't gasp when we do something unexpected, what did you expect? And when you feel we're not who you thought we were, don't worry I guess you and dad weren't who we thought you were either. And just when you think we owe you... remember... all we asked of you was a family, one family, our family.

Do you believe?

2007-12-15T14:39:00.003-08:00

To believe or not to believe. Do you believe you are here for a purpose? Do you believe that we coexist together on this planet as one big plan or that your presence here on earth is merely for your own satisfaction?
To believe:
You are part of an intricate plan. One that involves your interaction with the complicated world and its elements. You are one of many that live for the purpose of a higher being in hopes that there is more than what you live for today. To believe is to hope. To have faith that there is a goodness that prevails somewhere beyond the minds of corruption that you mingle with on a day to day basis. It is fulfilling to think that this isn't it. No matter what higher being you believe in or path of faith you decide to take, it seems that they all are different journeys offered to take to lead to the one place we all hope to go after our life here on earth. You are a miracle sent to help explain the purpose of your surroundings whether you are aware of it or not. Without you the world around you would not be as it is.
To not believe:
Wouldn't you rather believe in something than nothing at all? How is it that this must be it? Of all the wonders of the world, how can you think that we are here just by chance? How can you explain that there was nothing here before us and that there will be nothing here after us? The temptation to live for yourself is an easy and instantly satisfying deed. But will it lead you to an abyss filled with loneliness and your own self deceit in the end? Or will you even be of a conscious soul to realize? You live for yourself and have no purpose. You are a product of a non existent explanation. To not believe is to have an empty future. Why then would you feel the need to do any good? Why love?
A non believers belief:
There is nothing at the end. There is no creator. But yet you are here and you believe that if you do good in your life today that your hard work will pay off for you. For what? So that you may enjoy your life until your dying day. Subconsciously you know that if you do good you will be rewarded. Or at least you hope so. It doesn't just by chance work out like that, it is the plan that was laid out before you. And yet some who have done nothing wrong are taken from this earth in a horrifying way. Why you ask would a higher power derived from goodness let such an unbelievable action take place? The fact that you ask that question leads you to believe that it happened for a reason. That reason is unexplainable. That reason is your subconscious belief. Embrace it.
It will not hurt you to believe in something that you are unsure of. It will only give you a glimpse of happiness that you did not have when you didn't believe. One question to ask: When your day comes and the creator asks you if you believed, what do have to say? And if there is no creator that steps before you to ask that question, will you then condemn yourself in believing in something that didn't exist? I didn't think so.
Its better to love and be loved and get hurt than to never love at all. And it's better to embrace faith and let the faith of others embrace you and be disappointed than to never of experienced that power of faith at all.
Where do you stand?

Fantasy

2007-12-15T14:39:00.002-08:00

Who would of thought that we were one of the same...
Same thoughts
Same fantasy's
Same wants and desires.
So many times of exchanging glances I thought I could read your thoughts but wasn't sure till now. So many times interpreting the body language, but not sure it was directed at me. I thought it was there but could not bring myself to cross that line. I never thought we would allow ourselves to be on the same page.
Was it inevitable or is it driven by the lack of compassion in our lives? Are we to blame or is this what you get when you feel shut off by the other side. I feel somehow it was rooted from within ourselves but buried deep only to bare itself in this moment.
Do we embrace it and face the risk or do we shove it back down the hatch and lock the key. We are right where we want to be. Now that the evil has revealed itself for us to see it seems too hard to cover it up.
It feels so good but I know it's forbidden. Doesn't it seem that the fact that we're not supposed to engage make it all the more desirable? If you could, would you take the opportunity laid before you?
Just one moment
One desire
One want
One fantasy
Explored
Will it be all that we hoped? Will it fill that lust that we are currently missing? Will it send that chill that we have been longing for? Will it kill the fantasy?
Or will it be the breaking of something that we have been holding onto? Will it make us realize that it wasn't all that it was cracked up to be? That the empty compassion that we are faced with is better than an empty fantasy? Will we regret the selfishness that we are about to embark on? Will we forever kill our fantasy?
To hold on or to let go... of the fantasy.
To act upon or forget... the fantasy.
Will the other side never know or be ruined... by the fantasy?
Do want or do you need... our fantasy?
Lay to rest or be haunted... by the fantasy.
The look, the racing heartbeat, the rapid breathing, the touch, the chill, you, me, the release of the truth, but the building of lies... I'll capture you in... our fantasy.
We will forever be broken by the fantasy whether we decide to or not.

What it takes

2007-12-03T11:44:00.000-08:00

Do you think you have what it takes? Do you think you can handle it? Do you think you can sacrifice yourself for me?
I need more than the average. There's a million others that can pretend. Will you not only be able to hear, but be able to listen to what I say. Not only respond, but understand. Not only feel by touch, but feel by expression. Not only communicate by word, but through action. I don't want to hear the same old talk and see the same old stand still, anyone can do that for me.
Will you be able to take the plunge? Will you be able to open yourself up to vulnerability? Look at me through your eyes and not through the eyes of your surroundings. I want to not only feel the warmth of your body, but the warmth of your heart. I don't want to steal your heart, I want you to give it to me willingly. Can you fall as hard as I can?
Do you have the capability? You and only you. Not part of you, but all of you. Your heart, your mind, your spirit. To live for me. To not think of what you had before me, but what you could have with me. To not think about what we can do to each other, but what we can do for each other. Can you embrace the world through my eyes and not only yours?
Feel me not only when you're with me, but more or less when you're without me. Think with your heart and not your head. Follow your heart. Trust not only your heart, but mine. Can you laugh with me when everyone else is laughing at me. Sand up for me when the world is condemning me. Stand by me when the rest stand against me. Be us and not you. Be we and not me.
Can you invest in one and not two that stand apart? Can you trust. There are no second chances, can you give it all in the first shot? I don't want to grow in two different directions, but in one direction that has no ending. To focus on us is a task that needs to be handled like crystal. You can pretend that we will be a rock but in all reality we will always be like glass. WE will always need to be handled with care. Approach me like your most prized possession, not your old tattered shirt.
Can you cry to me? Can you cry for me? Can you cry? Let emotion flow. Be honest... even though it may hurt. Put yourself out there without precaution. Put yourself in my shoes. Unprotected, can you bear all? Be in our world not their world.
Can I look in your eyes and see our future? Or do I see your future?

You

2007-11-23T20:27:00.000-08:00

I think about you often, why? I'm not sure. It's just one of those things. It's like a piece of my heart is out there and I keep thinking about it. For some reason that piece belongs to you and you still have the power in your hands.
From time to time I can still feel your touch. If I close my eyes I can go back to the way it felt. How is it that one person has the magic to send that tingle down your back where your chest gets tight and you have to breathe in deep to keep yourself from passing out? That gulp and exhale is something that most long for. That feeling where it's just you and me and nothing else. The feeling of letting everything else in the world disappear for one moment. The feeling of surrender. The feeling of safety. The feeling of your heart racing. The chill. What is it that creates that? Is that what they call chemistry? Did we have chemistry? Will I ever get that feeling again? Will it ever feel the same a year from now as it did with you?
I don't regret how things ended up but always wonder why they ended up the way they did. I know there is a reason, but it's one that I'm still looking for. I've always loved you and will always love you, but despite the feeling that I long for in others that YOU had, we were not meant to be.
It's weird that all I have to do is look at you and everything comes back. Will it always be that way? Will that feeling ever disappear or will I always have to hold back every time I see you or talk to you? I sit and wonder why. I am completely happy with the road I'm on and I don't wonder why we're not together, but why we are together. If it's not to share that feeling or to share our smiles, then why? What is our purpose in eachothers life?
We'll always connect in that way that no one will understand. We'll always have that understanding that no one else will see. But do I trust you as I did before? I do, I want to, but is it the same for you? I will always be here for you. I could never leave you behind. But why? And for some reason I know you can never leave me behind no matter how many times you get mad at me. If you really wanted to you would have already done it. If I really wanted to, I would have already done it. But we don't.
There's a reason we still connect. One that is for both of us to figure out and will come with time. Despite the hurt we have cast upon one another there is still love. One that will last a life time. One that we can't turn our backs on but one that can only go as far as a friendship or family bond. I've decided it's a love hate thing. The things I hate about you only make me want to help you and be there for you. And the things I love about you only make me hate you because I know that you are a wonderful person. In the beginning I was convinced I would spend the rest of my life with you. That still hasn't changed. Although it hasn't turned out the way I thought, I think you will still be apart of the rest of my life. That fact hurts but I rather have you in my life in some way then not in it at all.
I don't want to spend time remembering our old connections, but I want to look forward to the connections that we are able to discover in the future. Sometimes it may seem that our relationship should be what it was, but remember that it's not for a reason. Only know that I didn't anticipate things to turn out this way, but that I'm happy that they did. Not because I lost you but because I gained a part of you that I feel I didn't have before. Sometimes what we thought was supposed to be wasn't supposed to be at all and so the reason for it ending up the way it is now.

Satisfied with Your Cookies?

2007-09-03T17:48:00.000-07:00

Are you content? Are you fine? Are you not sure? Should you be content or should you be fine? If your content, are you settling? Does it mean there is more out there that the world has to offer? Or are you content because you've found what the world has all it has to offer you at this time? Is contentment a good, or bad thing?
You could be content because you're tired of looking, tired of working, tired of worrying about not being content that you just want the world around you to be OK. And now that it is, you don't want to disturb it in fear that you will again lose your contentment. Is being content just being fine? The infamous words...I'm fine. What does that mean?
When you hear someone say...I'm fine, doesn't it leave a little uneasiness, that they're fine but not great. There is something lingering deep down that is keeping them from being great, but they don't want to discuss it with you. They're fine. Or does it mean, I'm fine, I'm perfectly at ease with my surroundings that I don't need to be great, I'm fine.
You could also be content because you have been so great that you don't feel the need to look for more greatness. Your content with what the world has offered you that you feel you don't need anything more. Life is right where it should be. You're fine. Nothing ecstatic is happening, but nothing horrible is happening or bothering you either.
It's like eating a chocolate chip cookie. You're fine with just one. Or are you? Do you feel the need to eat the whole bag? Or do you know that the whole bag will always be there waiting for you that you are content with that one cookie and don't need to indulge yourself with the rest of the bag at that time. Or will the bag not be there waiting for you? Are you going to be passing up that opportunity just to have someone else come along and eat the rest of the cookies. Then when you come back to eat one, there is none left. Then are you left with a feeling of disappointment, or a feeling that it was meant to be that you didn't eat those extra calories and you're fine with it?
Are you content with your one cookie? Do you need the whole bag off cookies? Will the cookies always be there later? Or do you know if you don't indulge now, you might be passing up an opportunity of a lifetime to enjoy that whole bag because you deserve it? Or do you know that you might be passing up that opportunity, but it's OK because you're completely satisfied with that one cookie and you know that if you would of had that whole bag, it wouldn't have just complicated things because now you would of had to go the gym and you hate going to the gym?
I do know one thing... while it's instantly gratifying to just eat that whole bag of cookies, it's more gratifying eating the one and sharing the rest with others. And if I know that the whole bag will be there waiting for me, why not invite a friend over to enjoy a cookie as well? It's possible to be content and fine and be just that with a smile. I may deserve the whole bag, but sometimes what you think you want or may deserve may not be so gratifying or fine doing it alone. Because once your done with the bag of cookies that you ate all by yourself, all your left with is an empty bag and a whole lot of calories that will send you crashing in an hour.
So be content with what you have. Be fine. It's OK. Think twice before you eat that whole bag. Would you rather eat it alone, or enjoy it with some friends?

Your Inner Demon

2007-08-27T11:22:00.000-07:00

Your head is filled with the lies of the world and it has turned into a sick game that you live in all by yourself! Sometimes there are things in your life that you just need to let go of! You thought for a split second that you were going to be in bliss when the whole time you were in absolute denial. But you hold on to your denial and refuse to wake up in the real world. Everything that you thought was so blissful wasn't really anything at all and it is now stirring inside you and eating at your core. Why do you do this to yourself? Why do let your weakness get the better of you? Why can't you grasp that it is not the world against you, but your sick mind against the world? Your own denial and incompetent mind has led you to believe in something that never was. You've built this fantasy land around yourself and continue living in a world that is destructive to your own life.
You are finally coming to the realization that only you are left in your fantasy land and that what you thought you had, you never even had at all. Because of your own blinded mind and inability to determine what was and what wasn't you are now in a desperate plea to succumb others into believing your fantasy. While you think the world around you will believe in your fairy tale, you continue to try and block reality and dwell in your own self pity.
The world is right where it should be. We all live the day to day reality and watch in disbelief as you slip through the cracks and try to bring others down with you. It's a sick world out there and you have to be strong and believe in the goodness of people. Wake up!
It makes me to sad to think that you have nothing else better in your life than this sick fairy tale of a life built of lies and self betrayal that you have created for yourself. It makes me sad to think that your parents must have not expressed the love and care needed as you grew into your adult hood. I almost sulk at the fact that you seem to need this fantasy land in order for your life to continue on a day to day basis.
I hope that soon you will discover that here is more to the world than worrying about others and what could have been. There is a world of peace and love out there waiting for you, but you need to grasp it by yourself, no one can take you there. And I can tell you that no one will even begin to lead you there unless you can breathe in the air of reality and leave the make believe destructive past that you have created.
LET GO! Don't you want to move forward in your life instead of staying stagnant waiting for others to join your fairy tale? Don't get caught up in the gossip of evil, break free and enjoy the real life that lies waiting for you ahead...far ahead. Stop worrying about others and for once worry about yourself. You will not have the power to make or break the world of others, but you do have the power to make or break yourself and right now you are breaking yourself and no one wants to be around a person who spreads lies to try and better themselves. So I hope one day you find it in you to make yourself a better person. Until then we will watch you make a mockery of yourself!
What a joke!

Close Knit

2007-08-24T12:31:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder about the people surrounding you? Not only the people you don't know, but more or less, the people you do know? The people you call family, the people you call friends, the people that you think are so closely knit into your life that you never seem to think you need to wonder about...
Each and every person is put into your life for a reason. Do you know the reasons your friends and family are in your life? Are there some friends or even family members that have extended their stay in your life?
There are individuals that make a significant impact in the bedding of your future. But then there comes a time when these individuals may not be having the same impact in your life that they used to or are not even having one at all. Are they the same person? Are you the same person? If an individual does not grow with you or intertwine with your life on a regular basis, when do you cut that thread off?
Do you continue to knit your life with the same threads, or do your seasons change calling for a thicker thread or maybe it's not thread at all that you want to use anymore...
STAY TUNED...
~Ronie B. Hemsley